You know I am going to keep doing this website, but as far as social media I am just not feeling it! It seems to be a cesspool of bullshit and nothing good ever seems to come from it! Also with YouTube. I have noticed just how the nature of the beast can kill the most precious relationships to where people will pick that over you. It is amazing! I want NOTHING more to do with it! At least not for now. I may use it to upload a video for the RNN, but doubtful as they have MANY other options out there and they are not even as strict.
I just honestly am done with anything I cannot control a situation in. I am tired of doing things right only to have it make me look weak or at least make people think that. I am tired of day after day waking up wondering what will be said about me next, to me or anyone I love or care about. TBH I never wanted people to be so involved in my life. I just wanted to do a few things here and there, spend time with people and so on.
My life where I am at now is miserable. That isn’t a big mystery. You would think some people understand that and would show more love, compassion and support, but tbh they don’t they have their own lives and own shit going on. That just is what it is. Day in and day out. I have learned people most of the time will not go out of their way for me, the way I am willing to for them. Lesson learned!
Sometimes something a simple as a voice can change a whole day and yet people will even deprive you of that because of something that really has no value and they put more importance in that over people who really do care or are falling into what feels like an eternal pit of darkness. They don’t even seem to care though. When something happens though seems to be the only time people care, but by then it is to fucking late!
I have been looking at so many suicide videos lately researching the people they belonged to. Looking at what led up to it, the before and the after. They may have had many people who cared, but then again, you would have never known it. I look at the before and all the fucking signs were there. Post about death, post about suicide, post about feeling so alone, like just fucking empty, yet no one, not one really said anything. It was amazing! Just fucking outstanding!
Yet afterwords, after they do the deed, all their social media is filled with love and people saying how they wished the person wouldn’t have done it and how much they miss them, ect. Well let me be honest and upfront when I say this “FUCK YOU”! Why even post afterwords? They are dead they can’t see that shit… This is shit they needed to hear while they were alive, they needed those people then. The world many times is a lonely fucking place. More so to people that have a mental illness.
It is fucking exhausting! I am telling you from someone who is nonneurotypical. It is a lonely feeling to be in this world, to be different, to have people hate you for it and more so to think you are faking it! I know first hand what it feels like to want to tell someone how I really feel or what’s really going on only to be afraid of what they will say or how they will feel. More so when I feel like they won’t care or be upset at me for expressing things the best way I know how.
I know the fucking feeling of being alone and not being able to talk to anyone, so you withdraw and eventually the darkness sets in and most of the time you can make it go away, but eventually it will stay longer and longer, till one day you have to make a decision. That decision will go one of two ways. And either the person will get back up or they won’t.
I am not against suicide though. There is nothing selfish about it, it is not a cowardly act either, that shit is forever! I think it is more selfish to kick someone while they are down and making them stay alive because YOU want them to! To me that is more selfish!
Just like a person who posted on here prior, stating they were going to kill themselves in a few days. If they were going to do it, I told them I hoped for one they were and adult and two if they did decide to do it, my hope for them was that it was quick and painless. Why? Well for one where they posted from suicide is actually allowed and approved by the government and they actually have places you can go and have it assisted and two it is not my fucking decision to make.
I did however tell them though if they were a kid they should REALLY seek out someone to talk to first and explore all options, well because let’s be honest as a kid our brains are not fully developed and well that being said who knows after school is done if you don’t end up living an awesome happy life?
I mean statistics usually does say otherwise and I am not going to lie, BUT it could happen, but what’s a few more years? I mean fuck if you’re going to do it, you’re going to do it anyways, so why not wait and see if you still feel that way after you become an adult?
At least in the end you can say you gave it a try! This way you know for a fact this is what you want? I mean like I said if the feeling is serious and real, then by all means it will still be there and then you know you got this 100%!
I don’t know then again what do I know? I am honestly one of the most hated and lied on people I know. So maybe this is just shit I am always telling myself.